Me: [Arm goes up] Whoa! Shut the door, the light is burning my eyes!
Husband: [Turns around in confusion] It’s winter. In New York.
Me: I know, but I haven’t been out of my office in a while.
Husband: No kidding. [Pause] You look taller.
Me: I have heels on.
Husband: What is that smell?
Me: It’s called Sweet Seduction [I purr]
Husband: It smells like salmon.
Me: Oh, that’s our Valentine’s Day Dinner.
Husband: [Walks to the table and inspects the food] Wow, it must have taken quite a few boxes for all of this food.
Me: Boxes? It’s all homemade, moron. You know what a great cook I am!
Husband: [Tilts his head in contemplation] Yes, I think I do have a vague recollection of that.
Me: Very funny. Now sit down. Let me make the toast. Happy Valen… [Whoosh…Candles snuff out and a football lands in the middle of the table. Sons rush into the room]
Son #1: Sorry, Mom. Hey, what are you guys doing?
Me: Trying to have dinner. [Icicles are warm compared to this voice]
Son #1: I thought you said we were having Pop-Tarts for dinner.
Me: No, I said you were having Pop-Tarts for dinner.
Son #2: Did somebody die? Why is Mom out of her office?
Husband: Nobody died. We are having a Valentine’s Day Dinner.
Son #3: What is this green stuff? [A pudgy finger pokes through the food on my plate]
Me: It’s called a vegetable.
Son #3: Ew, gross. I’m outta here.
Son #1: By the way, you look great, Mom. You really should come out more often.
[Sons rush out of the room]
Husband: Mmm…I agree. You do look beautiful. [Is he purring this time?]
Me: Nice try. Hey, how about we do this again in six years? By then, the kids will be grown and my writing career will be fond memory.
Husband: It’s a date. [Clink]